“You will always be the last card on my deck”.
I can still remember sending you this message for almost a decade. Every day, I would message you before you woke up at 3 am because you got two more hours before the clock struck at 5; you were an early riser because you used to tell me that the traffic jam’s putting you into hot water and you did not want your boss to keep an eye on you so you religiously practiced getting up early from bed and travel another one hour to get to the office. You were living far from me back then but I used to make sure that my text message would be the first thing that you would read in the morning because that’s what we talked about; you liked to know if I were just about to sleep or if I were still binge-watching (I was a working student back then, remember?). For almost ten years, we were deeply in love; I never thought that those cherished moments would be just plain memories. I was the happiest when we got married after the 7-year engagement but everything went upside-down in just three years. How did we lose it?
I am writing this letter to you because it would take me ages to walk through the same room again. It’s a strange place for me now. It’s just a small room but it greatly witnessed our milestone. The same room where we used to daydream of the future growing old together and talk about the next grocery shopping or the next visit to the market because you said that was our bonding time; now, I am alone doing those chores and it’s just tearing me apart. Today, I am writing on your favorite standing desk- the Theodore Standing Desk. When you saw this from the website: www.flexispot.com, you got excited because you found the design elegant and rustic. You told me it’s because the rustic style is my favorite and you wanted me to have something that fits my personality. So, the following week, I was surprised to see it in the room, you quickly installed it and told me that it didn’t take you a long time to assemble the desk and connect it to the power cord; you even placed the stuffed toy you gave me on our first date at the arcade. You put our wedding photo on top of the Standing Desk and the box filled with love notes that I used to make for you before. Indeed, the Standing Desk was not just a piece of furniture; it was a witness to a very beautiful love story.
Every morning, I would wake up and see a fresh bouquet of roses on the standing desk with a message: your smile in the morning is what I always want to see, Beau. Never get tired, smiling. My day then would always be filled with happiness. I’d always tuck the flowers in the photo album that was given to us during the wedding. I never got tired of putting all the dried flowers in the album because I thought those show how much I love you.
As a gamer, you loved playing in an online tournament thus you would sit by the Massage Gaming Chair we both called “Pinky” and set your device alongside your phone which you charged on the USB port. You told me that it’s very convenient because you don’t have to reach the phone every single hour as you tried finishing your game. I remember sitting by the Scalloped Accent chair which you brought for me on our first wedding anniversary. You always loved drinking coffee from the mug I gave you while I sipped some juice from my tumbler. Then, I patiently waited for you to finish either your game or your report. In between breaks, you would always approach me and would kiss me on the forehead. It was a simple life for the two of us, it was all I’d had; it was a fairytale love story for me until one day, the games started to be frequent, as well as the phone calls you’d always take outside the apartment, the coffee started tasting too sweet you said; you would just leave it on the side of the table without drinking it. My heart started to get broken when you stopped asking me out for our weekend date. I felt that we were starting to fall apart. Little by little, I distanced myself from you because you started to make me feel like I didn’t exist. We began to be strangers in our home and hours became very long. I could no longer feel the warm kiss on the forehead and you stopped staring at me; I would just see you focusing on the monitor then would take the phone calls outside. It was in silence that I kept the pain but I started to have that fear yet I continued convincing myself that was still happy.
Days have passed by and you would frequently tell me that you got to attend symposiums. I helped you pack your things up. You simply said thank you and told me you would be back after a week. I tried to tightly embrace you but you just gave me cold shoulders. Tears rolled down my face but I gathered my strength and continued doing my 9-5 job and kept some side hustles. Every night, I would be sitting by the Accent chair and wait for your call but as I expected it wouldn’t ring. Weeks have passed and you already went home. That day, you quietly went straight to our work area and stood by the Standing desk. You stared at me blankly and told me it’s time for us to part ways; I couldn’t move at the doorway, my heart started skipping a beat and all I could remember was me looking at you with eyes that still longed for you. I told myself, the person who I wanted to spend old age with is now asking for his freedom. I was just crying and I bowed down my head and I looked again at you and said, “Letting you go is like killing a part of me but I won’t stand your way; I have held your hand for the longest time but you are asking for your freedom; I am setting you free.” You quietly went out of the house. Months have passed and our case was settled.
Now, I am about to leave this place; it’s been almost a year; almost like an eternity. The last time I saw you in the court, you had the spark in the eyes that I knew was no longer mine. Time may pass by and change but not the feeling that I have for you. It’s you, and would always be you.